THE RAINDANCERS - CRICKET
This is a cricket team, which I have named the
"Raindancers", made up of my favourite players. I would, of course,
manage the team and select myself from time to time to come on at first change
with my left arm fast medium pace, before returning after lunch with some
orthodox spin and, at Sydney, Port-of-Spain and Chandigarh, even some left-arm
chinamen. Anyway, here is the team, with explanations of who they are, who I
noticed them playing for and why I like them:
Kepler Wessels (Queensland, Eastern Province, Australia
& South Africa)
Tremendously gritty opening batsman in South Africa,
Australia and then South Africa again. He scored 173 against the West Indies in
the first Test Match I ever attended, which helped end the Windies' 27-test
unbeaten streak. I admired the way he got into test cricket, travelling to a
strange land where he would not be welcomed by all, the way he fought in test
cricket, scoring that 173 after starting the series with three ducks, his
dignity when insulted by the ACB with a base-rate contract offer, and his
triumphs as the first regular post-isolation South African captain,
particularly against Australia at the SCG in both the 1992 World Cup and the
1993-4 Test series. In this side, Wessels would be ideal in making sure that
training sessions actually happened.
Dirk Wellham (vice-captain) (New South Wales, Tasmania,
Queensland & Australia)
I had the pleasure of meeting Dirk when we were both
with Easts club in Brisbane in 1991-2. At that stage, he was the only cricketer
in Queensland who had captained a Sheffield Shield winning side. Wellham is a
very thoughtful cricketer whose job as vice-captain would be to politely
suggest to Gower that seeing as we're all out here enjoying the sunshine and
all that, that it might actually be an idea to try and WIN the game. Gower’s
job would then be to tell Wellham to calm down. Played a wonderful 88 v
Victoria in Newcastle in the first Shield match I ever attended (in 1982-3).
David Gower (captain) (Leicestershire, Hampshire &
England)
The Raindancers side was never going to be devoid of
class with the great Gower coming in at number three. He destroyed Australia in
the 1985 Ashes series without raising a sweat and showed the amount of
discipline necessary for Raindancers cricket by riding a Tiger Moth over
Carrara with John Morris on the 1990-1 tour of Australia. His role in the side
would be to captain it with as much attacking flair and imagination as
possible, and to provide humorous after-match press-conference speeches. Gower
would instruct his team to enjoy the sunshine, enjoy the cricket, and mind the
fort while he finds the nearest aerodrome.
V.V.S. Laxman (Hyderabad & India)
I first took notice of Laxman when he peeled off a
century in Sydney in early 2000. I couldn’t understand why more people weren’t
talking about him as one of the classiest things in world cricket. It turns out
that I was just a little ahead of my time. No-one has dominated the arrogant
Australian bowlers more than this guy. Just as impressive are his captaincy
credentials which hopefully will be more widely demonstrated when the
unimaginative Ganguly retires. Also, it can’t hurt to have a man with a medical
background in a touring party.
Jonty Rhodes (Natal & South Africa)
The best fieldsman in my lifetime (my lifetime does
not include Colin Bland). His run-out of Inzamam-ul-haq at the Gabba during the
1992 World Cup is part of the Rhodes folklore that now exists. Also prominent
in my mind is his 76* in Fanie's Test at the SCG in 1994, which, incidentally,
drew the praise of Sir Donald! Probably the most realistic Christian in the
South African team. And his job in the Raindancers side? To remind everyone
that this cricket thing is actually quite fun!
Greg Matthews (New South Wales & Australia)
An Australian off-spinner who managed to average
over 40 in test cricket with the bat. Arguably the first punk rocker to play
Test Cricket. As a seven-year-old, I loved Mo's dancing around the field; his
perpetual state of excitement; his flamboyant bowling action; his flamboyant
everything! The Matthews in this side would be the younger Matthews, before the
administrators finally got to him with their disciplinary tactics and he tried
to convince us all about how seriously he took everything to do with cricket.
The younger Greg Matthews made you remember why you played this silly game.
Jack Russell (Gloucestershire & England)
Every cricket team should have an artist. The
Raindancers would only play at the most exotic, picturesque venues, and Jack
would have plenty of opportunity to paint them all, as well as decorating the
home dressing rooms with some of his more avant-garde creations. His work
behind the stumps is equally impressive, never more so than his stumping of
Dean Jones standing up to the fast-medium pace of Gladstone Small at the SCG in
1990-1. Why the England selectors persisted with Alec Stewart when this genius
with the gloves was available, I will never know.
Fanie de Villiers (Northern Transvaal & South Africa)
My first sight of Fanie on TV was at the start of
the 1993-4 World Series. His name is de Villiers, which I suspect is an
Afrikaner version of 'Viles', and he definitely had the distinctive Viles nose.
He also had heart, loads and loads of it. I was in Sydney the day he won the
test for South Africa in 1994 and I didn't go to the ground. I will never
forgive myself for that. Since that time, I have been impressed not only by the
size of his charity work, but the style of it. Anyone who can watch an entire
day of cricket from the top of a floodlight has my eternal respect. Fanie is
quite possibly my all-time favourite cricketer.
Colin Miller (South Australia, Tasmania, Victoria &
Australia)
The first Australian Test player since Greg Matthews
who was not a personality-free jock! He is a journeyman who does what he likes
and likes what he does. Funky also bucked the notion that test cricket is a
specialists-only domain. He is currently adding left-arm orthodox spin to his
repertoire of right-arm fast-medium pace and right-arm off-spin (leave it to
the experts, Funky). In a two-year period, he became Australia's number 1
off-spinner, performed brilliantly in Pakistan, smashed two sixes off Curtly
Ambrose in Antigua and helped win a test in Zimbabwe, all with the assistance
of two different bowling styles, three different hair colours and a set of
crooked teeth comparable to my own. Funky? Too right!
Abdul Qadir (HBL, Lahore, Punjab & Pakistan)
My first cricketing hero. The first test I ever
watched on TV was Australia v Pakistan in Perth in November 1983. I was
fascinated by paceman Azeem Hafeez with the four missing fingers on his right
hand, but when Qadir started bowling, I immediately called my dad into the room
to explain the hypnotic sight unravelling before me. He told me that it was
called wrist spin bowling. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen. I went
outside that night and copied Qadir's action, right down to the stuttering
run-up and the violently swinging arms. I didn't consciously turn the wrist,
that happened naturally, and my father insists that the ball turned about a
foot, which is not bad for a six-year-old beginner. I never saw Qadir at his
best. I know that that is my loss.
Henry Olonga (Matabeleland & Zimbabwe)
Henry took part in the bravest act by a sportsperson
I have ever seen. At the suggestion of Andy Flower, the two of them wore black
armbands during the 2003 World Cup to mourn the “death of democracy” in
Zimbabwe under the regime of Robert Mugabe. It was Flower’s idea but Olonga had
more to lose. But it is not just Henry’s sense of social justice that sees him
in the Raindancers side. I love his flamboyant bowling action, I love his
dreadlocked hairstyle and I love his voice. I haven’t enjoyed his material so
far but I’m sure I could whip something up for him. It wouldn’t be a
Raindancers side without music, would it!
The following six players would make up the touring squad:
Trevor Barsby (Queensland)
The only player in my squad not to represent his country.
Played the best innings I ever watched live in a Shield match in 1990-1 against
Victoria. He was out after five hours for 176, which included some of the most
sweetly, timed shots I have ever seen played. I am sorry that I missed both of
his Shield Final hundreds. It seems so obvious now that if Queensland were to
ever win a Shield, Barsby had to fire. He did, twice! - the second time with
the flu! He was also someone with a great sense of humour and a good manner
with kids, essential when fielding on the Gabba boundary, even in the days of
the dog track.
Derek Randall (Nottinghamshire & England)
This guy is a nutter. I was only three months old when he played his sterling 174 in the Centenary Test complete with headbuts and backward rolls but I was lucky enough to see plenty of footage of both that innings and other highlights of his career. His fielding appeared to be quite extraordinary, able to throw the stumps down from anywhere, take catches both exhilirating and cheeky and just generally amuse himself with gymnastics the rest of the time. He always played well in Australia and it would have been good to see him in 1986-87. Alas, he wasn’t picked and England retained the Ashes anyway. Still, he would have fun to watch.
Adam Gilchrist (New South Wales, Western Australia &
Australia)
If I could bat like this guy, he'd be writing a
self-indulgent web page about ME! It wasn't easy being a Gilchrist fan in
Brisbane after he replaced sledger number one Ian Healy in the Australian
one-day side. But Healy can't bat like Gilchrist; hardly anyone can bat like
Gilchrist. It took him a little while to work out how to bat on low bouncing
wickets, such as found in England and New Zealand, but once he had sorted that
out, he put himself right up in the top category of batsmen in history! Will
not be considered as history’s greatest keeper but he is good enough and has
his moments of brilliance. Gilchrist also seems to possess the sense of humour
and sportsmanship required in the Raindancers squad.
Wasim Akram (Lahore, PACO, PNSC, PIA, Lancashire &
Pakistan)
I love the way that Pakistani selectors will take
chances on young talent even if they’ve only played a couple of games. Wasim
first came to Australia in 1985 batting at 11 and bowling bloody quick. Four
and a bit years later, he was batting at 6 or 7 and bowling absolutely
magnificently. What he couldn’t do with a cricket ball couldn’t be done. For
this side, though, what impressed me most about him was his temperament when
captaining his side. Captaining Pakistan can’t be the world’s easiest job, but
Wasim, whose wife is a psychologist, always seemed to be in control and
relatively calm. With all the fruitcakes in this side, he may just come in
handy. So might his wife!
Graham Dilley (Kent, Worcestershire, Natal & England)
England fast bowler Graham Dilley is the possessor
of my all-time favourite pace bowling action. His balanced angled approach to
the crease, arms swinging gently by his sides preceded the turn of the body
into a perfectly side-on delivery stride, featuring an enormous skid on his
right toe which served to take him right through the bowling crease as his arms
swung straight through the line of the ball. You will never know how much fun
that skid is until you've tried it. My first trip to the Gabba in 1986 saw
Dilley tear through the Australians to take 5 for 68. Watching him bowl from
side-on high up in the Sir Leslie Wilson Stand was a treat that too few
appreciated.
Pat Symcox (Natal & South Africa)
Lleyton Hewitt is the perfect example of someone who
broke into top-level sport young and took the whole lot for granted. Pat Symcox
is the perfect example someone who broke into top level sport late and enjoyed
every day of it. He made Test level late in his not trouble-free career and
immediately became the most gregarious player in world cricket. He won the
man-of-the-match award in a one-day match in Sydney on my 21st birthday in
which he won over a crowd that had been throwing bottles at him, before
revealing to Tony Greig in the TV interview that it was the worst crowd
behaviour he'd seen anywhere in the world. Symcox is a cricket lover. Watching
him play makes you love cricket. The whole world cheered when he scored his
first Test century in 1998. We'll miss you, Pat. Why not come on a Raindancers
tour for a while?
Just for interest's sake, here are some others who were
considered for the squad:
Openers: Sid Barnes, Conrad Hunte, Mark Richardson, Richie Robinson, Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
Batsmen: Asif Mujtaba, Colin Bland, Brian Booth, Stephen Fleming, Asanka Gurusinha, Lindsay Hassett, Qasim Omar, Frank Worrell.
All Rounders: Richie Benaud, Aubrey Faulkner, Andrew Flintoff.
Wicket Keepers: Gerry Alexander, Godfrey Evans, Andy Flower.
Spin Bowlers: Paul Adams, Murray Bennett, Charlie Blythe, Johnny Briggs, Bhagwat Chandrasekhar, Phil Edmonds, ‘Chuck’ Fleetwood-Smith, Bob Holland, Arthur Mailey, Phil Tufnell, Alf Valentine, Daniel Vettori.
Fast Bowlers: Jonathan Agnew, Azeem Hafeez, Damien Fleming, Wes Hall, Matthew Hoggard, Rumesh Ratnayake, John Snow.
back to Funky Pharmacy home page
