In the grand tradition of selecting completely useless cricket teams who can never possibly play a match but give me a good excuse not to complete my university assignments, I bring you now a selection of really pointless cricket teams.
Teams selected according to Birthmonth
Teams selected according to ‘Handedness’
Teams selected according to the players’ First Names
Teams selected according to the players’ Last Names
Teams selected according to Other Parts of the players’ Names
Teams selected according to Really Weird Criteria
*
denotes captain + denotes wicket keeper
JANUARY: Bruce Mitchell (RSA), Arthur Morris (Aus), Richie Richardson (WI), Rahul Dravid (Ind), Clyde Walcott (WI), *Monty Noble (Aus), Kapil Dev (Ind), +Jackie Waite (RSA), Andy Roberts (WI), Hugh Tayfield (RSA), Johnny Wardle (Eng).
FEBRUARY: *Bob Simpson (Aus), Bill Lawry (Aus), Graeme Pollock (RSA), Everton Weekes (WI), Patsy Hendren (Eng), Norm O’Neill (Aus), +Ian Smith (NZ), Fazal Mahmood (Pak), Michael Holding (WI), Jim Laker (Eng), Glenn McGrath (Aus).
MARCH: Jackie McGlew (RSA), Rev. David Sheppard (Eng), *Viv Richards (WI), Inzamam-ul-haq (Pak), Vijay Hazare (Ind), George Giffen (Aus), Heath Streak (Zim), Phil Edmonds (Eng), +Wally Grout (Aus), Colin Croft (WI), Bruce Reid (Aus).
APRIL: Dennis Amiss (Eng), Jeff Stollmeyer (WI), *David Gower (Eng), Sachin Tendulkar (Ind), Colin Bland (RSA), Andy Flower (Zim), +Alan Knott (Eng), Malcolm Marshall (WI), Craig McDermott (Aus), Muttiah Muralitharan (SL), Sydney Barnes (Eng).
MAY: Conrad Hunte (WI), Gordon Greenidge (WI), George Headley (WI), Denis Compton (Eng), Brian Lara (WI), *Warwick Armstrong (Aus), Maurice Tate (Eng), +Jack Blackham (Aus), Hugh Trumble (Aus), Charlie Blythe (Eng), Bob Willis (Eng).
JUNE: Len Hutton (Eng), John Edrich (Eng), Wally Hammond (Eng), Javed Miandad (Pak), *Steve Waugh (Aus), Tom Graveney (Eng), Wasim Akram (Pak), +Billy Wade (RSA), Derek Underwood (Eng), George Lohmann (Eng), Frank Tyson (Eng).
JULY: Sunil Gavaskar (Ind), Bill Brown (Aus), *Allan Border (Aus), Garfield Sobers (WI), Stan McCabe (Aus), Maurice Leyland (Eng), Richard Hadlee (NZ), +Bob Taylor (Eng), Tony Lock (Eng), Dennis Lillee (Aus), Alec Bedser (Eng).
AUGUST: Bill Woodfull (Aus), Eddie Barlow (RSA), Don Bradman (Aus), Greg Chappell (Aus), *Frank Worrell (WI), Trevor Goddard (RSA), +Godfrey Evans (Eng), John Emburey (Eng), Tom Richardson (Eng), Iqbal Qasim (Pak), Jeff Thomson (Aus).
SEPTEMBER: Saeed Anwar (Pak), Bob Barber (Eng), *Kepler Wessels (Aus/RSA), Martin Crowe (NZ), Robin Smith (Eng), Basil Butcher (WI), +Bert Oldfield (Aus), Shane Warne (Aus), Wes Hall (WI), Lance Gibbs (WI), Fred Spofforth (Aus).
OCTOBER: Bill Ponsford (Aus), Matthew Hayden (Aus), Jacques Kallis (RSA), Neil Harvey (Aus), Mahela Jayawardene (SL), Damien Martyn (Aus), +Jim Parks (Eng), *Richie Benaud (Aus), Ray Lindwall (Aus), Johnny Briggs (Eng), Allan Donald (RSA).
NOVEMBER: Justin Langer (Aus), Herbert Sutcliffe (Eng), Dudley Nourse (RSA), Ken Barrington (Eng), Eddie Paynter (Eng), *Keith Miller (Aus), +Adam Gilchrist (Aus), Ian Botham (Eng), Imran Khan (Pak), Saqlain Mushtaq (Pak), Waqar Younis (Pak).
DECEMBER: *Jack Hobbs (Eng), Hanif Mohammad (Pak), Ricky Ponting (Aus), Rohan Kanhai (WI), Doug Walters (Aus), Aubrey Faulkner (RSA), +Les Ames (Eng), Geoff Lawson (Aus), Joel Garner (WI), Bill O’Reilly (Aus), Clarrie Grimmett (Aus).
Continuing in the grand pointless tradition of futile cricket team selection, try these out:
Bats Right-handed, Bowls Right-armed: Jack Hobbs (Eng), Sunil Gavaskar (Ind), *Don Bradman (Aus), Wally Hammond (Eng), George Headley (WI), Viv Richards (WI), Keith Miller (Aus), +Alan Knott (Eng), Shane Warne (Aus), Dennis Lillee (Aus), Sydney Barnes (Eng).
* I
have no idea what hand Jacobs bowls with, so until further notice, he’s in
Bats Left-handed, Bowls Right-armed: Matthew Hayden (Aus), Gary Kirsten (RSA), Brian Lara (WI), Graeme Pollock (RSA), *Neil Harvey (Aus), Andy Flower (Zim), +Rod Marsh (Aus), Richard Hadlee (NZ), Curtley Ambrose (WI), Bill O’Reilly (Aus), Brian Statham (Eng).
Bats Right-handed, Bowls Left-armed: Herbie Collins (Aus), Charlie Macartney (Aus), Inzamam-ul-haq (Pak), Denis Compton (Eng), *Frank Worrell (WI), Vinoo Mankad (Ind), Wilfred Rhodes (Eng), Johnny Briggs (Eng), +John Maclean (Aus), Bill Voce (Eng), Bill Whitty (Aus).
Moving gradually towards the ridiculous...
The Alans & Allans: Allan Rae (WI), Alan Turner (Aus), *Allan Border (Aus), Allan Lamb (Eng), Alan Kippax (Aus), Alan Fairfax (Aus), +Alan Knott (Eng), Alan Davidson (Aus), Alan Connolly (Aus), Allan Donald (RSA), Alan Mullally (Eng), Allan Steel (Eng).
The Berts: *Herbert Sutcliffe (Eng), Gilbert Parkhouse (Eng), Albert Ward (Eng), Bert Sutcliffe (NZ), Albert Knight (Eng), Gilbert Jessop (Eng), Albert Trott (Aus/Eng), +Bert Oldfield (Aus), Bert Vogler (RSA), Bert Hopkins (Aus), Bertie Ironmonger (Aus), Albert Relf (Eng).
The Bills: *Bill Woodfull (Aus), Bill Ponsford (Aus), Bill Brown (Aus), Billy Murdoch (Aus/Eng), Bill Edrich (Eng), Billy Bates (Eng), +Billy Wade (RSA), Bill Voce (Eng), Bill O’Reilly (Aus), Bill Johnston (Aus), Bill Bowes (Eng), Bill Whitty (Aus).
The Bobs: *Bob Simpson (Aus), Bobby Abel (Eng), Bob Cowper (Aus), Bob Wyatt (Eng), Bob Woolmer (Eng), Bob Barber (Eng), +Bob Taylor (Eng), Bob Cunis (NZ), Bobby Peel (Eng), Bob Massie (Aus), Bob Willis (Eng), Bob Holland (Aus).
The Brians & Bryans: Brian Luckhurst (Eng), Bryan Young (NZ), Brian Lara (WI), *Brian Booth (Aus), Bryan Valentine (Eng), Brian McMillan (RSA), +Brian Taber (Aus), Bryan Yuile (NZ), Brian Murphy (Zim), Brian Statham (Eng), Bryan Strang (Zim), Brian Close (Eng).
The Chris’: Chris Broad (Eng), Chris Tavaré (Eng), Chris Gayle (WI), Chris Cowdrey (Eng), Chris Harris (NZ), Chris Cairns (NZ), Chris Lewis (Eng), +Chris Read (Eng), Chris Old (Eng), Chris Schofield (Eng), Chris Pringle (NZ), Chris Adams (Eng).
The Davids: Rev. David Sheppard (Eng), David Boon (Aus), David Gower (Eng), Dave Nourse (RSA), *Dave Gregory (Aus), David Houghton (Zim), David Allen (Eng), +David Richardson (RSA), David Brown (Eng), David Brain (Zim), David Larter (Eng), David Holford (WI).
The Dicks & Richards: Richie Robinson (Aus), Dick Barlow (Eng), Richie Richardson (WI), Dick Richardson (Eng), Richard Austin (WI), +Dick Lilley (Eng), *Richie Benaud (Aus), Richard Hadlee (NZ), Richard Snell (RSA), Richard Ellison (Eng), Richard Collinge (NZ), Dick Westcott (RSA).
The Geoffreys & Jeffreys: Geoffrey Boycott (Eng), Jeff Stollmeyer (WI), Geoff Marsh (Aus), *Geoff Howarth (NZ), Jeff Crowe (NZ), +Jeffrey Dujon (WI), Geoff Miller (Eng), Geoff Lawson (Aus), Geoff Arnold (Eng), Jeff Thomson (Aus), Geoff Dymock (Aus), Geoff Allott (NZ).
The Graemes & Grahams: Graham Gooch (Eng), Graham Dowling (NZ), Graham Yallop (Aus), Graeme Pollock (RSA), Graham Thorpe (Eng), Graeme Hick (Eng), +Graeme Fowler (Eng), Graeme Labrooy (SL), Graham Dilley (Eng), Graham McKenzie (Aus), Grahame Chevalier (RSA), Graeme Wood (Aus).
The Ians: Ian Davis (Aus), Ian Redpath (Aus), *Ian Chappell (Aus), Ian Craig (Aus), Ian Ward (Eng), Ian Botham (Eng), +Ian Healy (Aus), Ian Johnson (Aus), Ian Bishop (WI), Ian Peebles (Eng), Ian Meckiff (Aus), Ian Butler (NZ).
The Jacks: Jack Hobbs (Eng), Jack Fingleton (Aus), Jack (C.A.G.) Russell (Eng), *Jack Ryder (Aus), Jacques Kallis (RSA), Jack Robertson (Eng), Jack Gregory (Aus), +Jack Blackham (Aus), Jack Cowie (NZ), Jack (J.T.) Hearne (Eng), Jack Saunders (Aus), Jack (J.D.A.) O’Connor (Aus).
The James’ and Jims: Jim Burke (Aus), Jim Christy (RSA), Jimmy Cook (RSA), Jimmy Adams (WI), Jimmy Sinclair (RSA), *James Lilywhite (Eng), +Jim Parks (Eng), Jimmy Blanckenberg (RSA), Jim Laker (Eng), Jimmy Matthews (Aus), Jimmy Anderson (Eng), Jim de Courcy (Aus).
The Johns: John Edrich (Eng), John Dyson (Aus), John F. Reid (NZ), *John R. Reid (NZ), John Crawley (Eng), Johnny Douglas (Eng), +John Murray (Eng), Johnny Briggs (Eng), John Snow (Eng), John Lever (Eng), John Gleeson (Aus), John Goddard (WI).
And futher...
The Smiths: Cammie Smith (WI), Graeme Smith (RSA), Steve Smith (Aus), Robin Smith (Eng), *Mike Smith (Eng), Collie Smith (WI), +Ian Smith (NZ), Jim Smith (Eng), Peter Smith (Eng), Ian Smith (RSA), Aubrey Smith (Eng), Chris Smith (Eng).
The Taylors: *Mark Taylor (Aus), Herbie Taylor (RSA), Johnny Taylor (Aus), Don Taylor (NZ), Dan Taylor (RSA), Ken Taylor (Eng), Bruce Taylor (NZ), Peter Taylor (Aus), +Bob Taylor (Eng), Jaswick Taylor (WI), Les Taylor (Eng), Paul Taylor (Eng).
The Khans: Majid Khan (Pak), Mohsin Khan (Pak), Khanmohammad Ibrahim (Ind), Younis Khan (Pak), Akram Khan (Bng), *Imran Khan (Pak), +Moin Khan (Pak), Khan Mohammad (Pak), Zaheer Khan (Ind), Kabir Khan (Pak), Arshad Khan (Pak), Rashid Khan (Pak).
The Mohammads: Hanif Mohammad (Pak), Shoaib Mohammad (Pak), Mohammad Azharuddin (Ind), Wazir Mohammad (Pak), Mohammed Ashraful (Bng), Mushtaq Mohammad (Pak), +Mohammad Wasim (Pak), Mohammed Nazir (Pak), Mohammad Sami (Pak), Khan Mohammad (Pak), Mohammad Akram (Pak), Sadiq Mohammad (Pak).
The Singhs (‘Singh’ appears anywhere in the name): Chetan Singh Chauhan (Ind), Navjot Singh Sidhu (Ind), Hanumant Singh (Ind), Kripal Singh (Ind), +Yajurvindra Singh (Ind), Robin Singh (Ind), Amar Singh (Ind), Balwinder Singh Sandhu (Ind), Harbhajan Singh (Ind), Bishen Singh Bedi (Ind), Harvinder Singh (Ind), Milkha Singh (Ind).
And much, much further...
Players who use their second given name rather than their first: C. Gordon Greenidge (WI), C. Stewart Dempster (NZ), I. Vivian A. Richards (WI), R. Graeme Pollock (RSA), R. Neil Harvey (Aus), *Hon. F. Stanley Jackson (Eng), G. Aubrey Faulkner (RSA), +T. Godfrey Evans (Eng), P. Stefanus ‘Fanie’ de Villiers (RSA), G. Anthony ‘Tony’ R. Lock (Eng), J. Brian Statham (Eng).
Players with only one given name: H Sutcliffe (Eng), G Kirsten (RSA), M Amarnath (Ind), B Sutcliffe (NZ), A Flower (Zim), W Barnes (Eng), *R Benaud (Aus), +D Tallon (Aus), H Larwood (Eng), J Garner (WI), M Muralitharan (SL).
Players with three given names: JHW Fingleton (Aus), *FMM Worrell (WI), IVA Richards (WI), DCS Compton (Eng), VVS Laxman (Ind), GRJ Matthews (Aus), +APE Knott (Eng), AME Roberts (WI), GAR Lock (Eng), CEL Ambrose (WI), NAT Adcock (RSA).
Players with four or more given names: EDA St J McMorris (WI), DSBP Kuruppu (SL), SFAF Bacchus (WI), DPMD Jayawardene (SL), VPFA Royle (Eng), *JWHT Douglas (Eng), HSTL Hendry (Aus), HDPK Dharmasena (SL), +HAPW Jayawardene (SL), WPUJC Vaas (SL), PDRL Perera (SL).
Players whose first names are also girls’ first names: Jackie McGlew (RSA), Blair Pocock (NZ), *Lindsay Hassett (Aus), Vivian Richards (WI), Robin Smith (Eng), Kim Hughes (Aus), +Lee Germon (NZ), Kerry O’Keeffe (Aus), Ashley Mallett (Aus), Courtney Walsh (WI), Jo Angel (Aus).
Team of West Indian Cricketers Whose Names Sound Like English Football Teams: Sherwin Campbell, Desmond Haynes, Wavell Hinds, Everton Weekes, Clayton Lambert, Marlon Samuels, +Thelston Payne, Winston Benjamin, Curtley Ambrose, Winston Davis, *Courtney Walsh.
Team of English Football Teams Whose Names Sound Like West Indian Cricketers: Leyton Orient, Bromwich Albion, Preston Northend, *Brighton Hove-Albion, Tottenham Hotspur, Port Vale, +Nottingham Forest, Crewe Alexandra, Aston Villa, Plymouth Argyle, Sheffield Wednesday.
*
some liberties have been taken with the team names in order to make the joke
work
And now, just any other category I can think of:
Team of Great Fieldsmen: *Percy Chapman (Eng), Richie Richardson (WI), Viv Richards (WI), Ricky Ponting (Aus), Colin Bland (RSA), Jonty Rhodes (RSA), +Alan Knott (Eng), Roger Harper (WI), Alan Davidson (Aus), Brett Lee (Aus), Glenn McGrath (Aus).
Team of Six-hitters: (stats as at 12 Feb 2004) Matthew Hayden (Aus, 57 sixes out of 4488 runs), Navjot Sidhu (Ind, 38/3202), *Viv Richards (WI, 84/8540), Craig McMillan (NZ, 51/2909), John R. Reid (NZ, 34/3428), +Adam Gilchrist (Aus, 47/3169), Chris Cairns (NZ, 72/2864), Andy Flintoff (Eng, 27/1209), Lance Cairns (NZ, 28/928), Fred Trueman (Eng, 25/981), Michael Holding (WI, 36/910).
Players who have scored 99 in a Test Match: Herbert Sutcliffe (Eng), Arthur Morris (Aus), Richie Richardson (WI), Javed Miandad (Pak), *Steve Waugh (Aus), Keith Miller (Aus), Aubrey Faulkner (RSA), +Robert Christiani (WI), Shaun Pollock (RSA), Richard Hadlee (NZ), Shane Warne (Aus).
‘Duck’ Kings: (stats as at 12 Feb 2004) Pankaj Roy (Ind, 14 ducks from 79 innings), Marvan Atapattu (SL, 19 from 117), Ken Rutherford (NZ, 16 from 99), Derek Randall (Eng, 14 from 79), Mike Smith (Eng, 11 from 78), Andy Flintoff (Eng, 10 from 47), +Wasim Bari (Pak, 19 from 112), *Courtney Walsh (WI, 43 from 185), Alan Hurst (Aus, 10 from 20), Alan Mullally (Eng, 12 from 27), Dilip Doshi (Ind, 14 from 38).
Players who Quickly Rose from First-class Cricket to Test Cricket: Graham Vivian (NZ), Saleem Elahi (Pak), John Beck (NZ), Garfield Sobers (WI), Arjuna Ranatunga (SL), Arthur Chipperfield (Aus), *Wasim Akram (Pak), +Ian Healy (Aus), Malcolm Marshall (WI), Sydney Barnes (Eng), Alf Valentine (WI), Sonny Ramadhin (WI).
Team of Players with Outstanding Performances on Debut: Brendon Kuruppu (SL, 201*), Khalid Ibadulla (Pak, 166), Matthew Sinclair (NZ, 214), Lawrence Rowe (WI, 214 & 100*), RE Foster (Eng, 287), *Albert Trott (Aus, 38* & 72*, 0/9 & 8/43), +Brian Taber (Aus, 7c & 1st), Clarrie Grimmett (Aus, 5/45 & 6/37), Frederick Martin (Eng, 6/50 & 6/52), Narendra Hirwani (Ind, 8/61 & 8/75), Bob Massie (Aus, 8/84 & 8/53).
Team of Great Captains: Mike Brearley (Eng), Frank Worrell (WI), Stephen Fleming (NZ), Nawab of Pataudi jr (Ind), Jack Cheetham (RSA), Imran Khan (Pak), Johnny Douglas (Eng), Harry Trott (Aus), *Richie Benaud (Aus), +Percy Sherwell (RSA), Wasim Akram (Pak).
Team of Worst Sledgers:
*W.G. Grace (Eng), Desmond Haynes (WI), Ian Chappell (Aus), Javed Miandad
(Pak), Steve Waugh (Aus), Arjuna Ranatunga (SL), +Ian Healy (Aus), Merv Hughes
(Aus), Shane Warne (Aus), Fred Trueman (Eng), Glenn McGrath (Aus).
Team of Worst Dissenters:
Justin Langer (Aus), Mark Butcher (Eng), *Ricky Ponting (Aus), Allan Border
(Aus), Hansie Cronje (RSA), Sourav Ganguly (Ind), +Moin Khan (Pak), Brett Lee
(Aus), Robert Croft (Eng), Geoff Lawson (Aus), Stuart MacGill (Aus).
*
no players from ‘Worst Sledgers’ team were considered for this team. They’ve
already been slated.
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