The Thinking Person's Guide to Eurosong

Daniel Viles’ Funky Pharmacy presents

 

Daniel’s Eurovision Song Contest Guide

or

The Thinking Person’s Guide to Eurosong

 

Welcome all to the penultimate guide to the Eurovision Song Contest. Below, you will find links to my personal reviews of many songs performed in the Eurovision Song Contest from 1989 to the present day.

 

I regularly tell people what wonderful songs I have heard at the Eurovision Song Contest, only to find that in their search for the wonders which I so sorrowfully take for granted, their path to enlightenment has been waylaid by the dark, evil forces of Eurovision (viz. bad music!) The world desperately needs a guide to help people decide what's worth listening to, but due to this sickening "everyone's entitled to their own opinion" theory that's doing the rounds at the moment, no-one is game to stick their head out and say "This song is hot stuff for these reasons" or "This song needs remedial care for these reasons".

 

No one, that is, except me! Friends, I am here on this earth to provide this service to you, and I give it to you out of love. I am here to help you decide what to listen to, to guide you down the road of mystery, through the tunnels of apprehension and onto the highway of Eurosong bliss. Use the reviews on these pages to find descriptions of the musical style of the song and my personal opinion of the song. Read my reviews to gather information, learn my personal biases to help you make your own opinion, and then ignore everything I say and go listen to what you bloody well like!

 

In short, these are song reviews. I don’t pay much attention to what the performers wore or how they did in the voting. Many of the great Eurovision songs were performed by people with novelty warts where their facial features should be, wore clothes rejected by op shops and received 10 votes based entirely on proximity to another nation in the competition. But they still sounded great. That’s why this site is here.

 

Links to Song Review Pages

 

Athens 2006

(coming soon)

Kyiv 2005

(coming soon)

Istanbul 2004

(half-done)

Riga 2003

Tallinn 2002

(unavailable)

Copenhagen 2001

Stockholm 2000

Jerusalem 1999

Birmingham 1998

Dublin 1997

Oslo 1996

Dublin 1995

Dublin 1994

Millstreet 1993

Malmö 1992

Recommended songs before '92 

 

Songs are given a star rating:

***** - the world is now a better place<

**** - yeah, this has a lot going for it

*** - well, there are elements of a good sonng there

** - what the... oh that's right, I'm watchhing Eurovision

* - ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Bwa Ha Ha Ha

no stars – guards, seize them!

 

Songs are shown in order of performance. DANIEL VILES' ALL-TIME CLASSIC EUROVISION SONGS are denoted by the presence of that country's flag to the right of the review.

 

Oh, and let me explain a few of the trickier terms used in these reviews:

 

 

Daniel’s Eurosong Guide Glossary

 

A.M-T.P.B.P.B.A.S.W.A.P.Y.S.V. - Another mid-tempo pop ballad performedd by a singer with a pleasant yet substanceless voice

 

Overharmonisatia - the peculiar Eurosong phenomenon in whhich entries use too many backing vocalists who proceed to sing inappropriately convoluted harmonies in order to have the maximum six performers on stage.

 

4KQ; 4KQ set - 4KQ is an 'easy listening' radio station in Brisbane, Australia. Its slogan is 'greatest memories, latest hits'. They haven't played a 'latest hit' since about 1985, and whoever promised 'greatest memories' must have been exclusively marketing the slogan towards the Alzheimer's' community. The 4KQ set is a collective name for 4KQ listeners.

 

L.N.T. – Loud Nationalised Thankyou. Now that performers’ microphones are still on for a few seconds after the conclusion of the song, the opportunity is frequently taken to tell everybody watching how much your country loves their country. Variants range from “We love you” to “We love you (insert host nation here)” to “(insert performer’s nation here) loves you (insert host nation here)” and occasionally, the L.C.T. (Loud Continentalised Thankyou) – “We love you Europe!”

 

S.R.D. – Superfluous Reference to Death. Usually found in songs written in the English language by people who can barely speak it. In such songs, the willingness to die is seen as a sign of love and devotion which, in Communist Europe, it most certainly was.

 

W.A.N.C. – Wink At Nearest Camera. If the song stinks, the performance is off and everybody hates your country anyway, just wink at one of the cameras and you’re sure to get votes from someone. Not sure who started it this trend but the acronym is quite appropriate.

 

Click here to read why I get involved in this dumb contest in the first place.

 

 

Some Eurovision Song Contest Links

 

Eurovision Jukebox

run by UK's Malcolm Codd; comprehensive Eurovision site featuring song and video downloads from Eurovisions past and present

EuroNet

run by UK's Chris Melville; fundamental source of late-breaking, early-breaking and not-quite-broken Eurovision news

Song Thrush

wonderful Eurovision lyrics site by Marky from Israel

ESC Statistics

delightful site by Finnish fan Jarmo Penttila in which you can vote in around 100 different Eurovision polls ranging from your favourites in a particular year to the best contest presenters of all time

ESC Linkpage

comprehensive page of Eurosong links

 

Eurovision Song Contest Artist Links

 

Mumiy Troll (Russia 2001)

Michelle (Netherlands 2001)

Olsen Brothers (Denmark 2000)

Brainstorm (Latvia 2000)

Skyle (Aiste Smilgeviciute) (Lithuania 1999)

Danijela Martinovic (Croatia 1998)

Guildo Horn (Germany 1998)

Melanie Cohl (Belgium 1998)

Anna Maria Jopek (Poland 1997)

Paul Oscar (Iceland 1997)

George Nussbaumer (Austria 1996)

Eimear Quinn (Ireland 1996) interview on Celtic Cafe

Kasia Kowalska (Poland 1996)

Justyna Steczkowska (Poland 1995)

Secret Garden (Norway 1995)

Keti Garbi (Greece 1993)

 

 

last updated 21 May 2006

 

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